People who avoid conflict are often the ones that find themselves surrounded by it.
When a team of people decide to avoid critical conversations (high emotions, disagreement, high stakes), the battles are fought in other, much less productive ways. Unclean dishes in the break room become a battle front for disenfranchised employees. The water cooler becomes a boardroom without any power to actually create action. Negativity spreads like a disease across the organization... all for the sake of "harmony" and "team".
Great teams and great relationships are never conflict free. In fact, great relationships have conflict, but they hit it head on and keep a common purpose in mind (a "shared pool of meaning"). My wife likes to put the glasses away with the tops up. I like to put them away with the tops down. For 10 years of marriage, we flipped glasses in the cupboard and sometimes even fought over who would empty the dishwasher. Then one day I thought about our "shared pool of meaning" and realized that these glasses had no place in our common purpose (to love each other, to love our children, to support each other). So, now I put the glasses away the way she likes it... not because it is the right way to do it, but because we have a bigger purpose.
When you have a conflict with someone that is difficult to resolve, it is important to start with the simple statement "what do I really want out of this". You need to think of these things while you are cool and collected so that when emotions start to flow, you can stay focused on what you really want.
Once you know what you really need (realistically), you need to have the conversation. You can skip this step only if you are walking away from the relationship, which is a bad idea if you are working with the person. This is the step that many people skip because they are afraid their emotions will get the best of them. Your emotions are OK, but make sure that your brain is focused on what you really want to happen.
Once you have initiated the conversation, remember that this person is not a bad person (I have met very few really "bad" people). They have their own experiences and their own perceptions that you simply may not understand. That is all OK... you aren't out to change that. What is it that both of you want to accomplish in your relationship? Find focus in that during the discussion and you are on your way to a positive outcome.
Summary...
1) Conflict itself is not bad. Unresolved, unfocused conflict is poison.
2) Avoiding Conflict leads to more conflict... so don't avoid it.
3) Stay focused so your emotions don't lead you down the wrong path.
4) Find the common greater purpose (the shared pool of meaning).
.
When a team of people decide to avoid critical conversations (high emotions, disagreement, high stakes), the battles are fought in other, much less productive ways. Unclean dishes in the break room become a battle front for disenfranchised employees. The water cooler becomes a boardroom without any power to actually create action. Negativity spreads like a disease across the organization... all for the sake of "harmony" and "team".
Great teams and great relationships are never conflict free. In fact, great relationships have conflict, but they hit it head on and keep a common purpose in mind (a "shared pool of meaning"). My wife likes to put the glasses away with the tops up. I like to put them away with the tops down. For 10 years of marriage, we flipped glasses in the cupboard and sometimes even fought over who would empty the dishwasher. Then one day I thought about our "shared pool of meaning" and realized that these glasses had no place in our common purpose (to love each other, to love our children, to support each other). So, now I put the glasses away the way she likes it... not because it is the right way to do it, but because we have a bigger purpose.
When you have a conflict with someone that is difficult to resolve, it is important to start with the simple statement "what do I really want out of this". You need to think of these things while you are cool and collected so that when emotions start to flow, you can stay focused on what you really want.
Once you know what you really need (realistically), you need to have the conversation. You can skip this step only if you are walking away from the relationship, which is a bad idea if you are working with the person. This is the step that many people skip because they are afraid their emotions will get the best of them. Your emotions are OK, but make sure that your brain is focused on what you really want to happen.
Once you have initiated the conversation, remember that this person is not a bad person (I have met very few really "bad" people). They have their own experiences and their own perceptions that you simply may not understand. That is all OK... you aren't out to change that. What is it that both of you want to accomplish in your relationship? Find focus in that during the discussion and you are on your way to a positive outcome.
Summary...
1) Conflict itself is not bad. Unresolved, unfocused conflict is poison.
2) Avoiding Conflict leads to more conflict... so don't avoid it.
3) Stay focused so your emotions don't lead you down the wrong path.
4) Find the common greater purpose (the shared pool of meaning).
.
RSS Feed